is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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