im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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