Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
