my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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