Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it hurts more in the daytime
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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