I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
