If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
