My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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