pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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