Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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