just tell him i said nine months
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
