Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
