there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Still dying that you shit outside
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
