what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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