the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
