Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
