Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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