so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
