Will you blow on my dice?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
