I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
