I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
