This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
