If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
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