I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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