Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
