I was born with a shot glass in my hand
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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