i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
