I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
