Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need to calm my uterus...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
