I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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