That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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