i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
