Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
