I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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