I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
