im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
