i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
