she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
