I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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