did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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