If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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