it was like his penis was on wheels.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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