Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
