i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
