True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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