why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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