The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
