I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize