thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
