So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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