I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
