worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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