im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
