Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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