he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
