ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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