The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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